I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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