cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
