i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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