hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it was like eating out sand paper
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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