I am in a vortex of obligation.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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