If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
