Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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