jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
