I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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