1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
