If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
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if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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