this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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