i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
