No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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