A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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