i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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