Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
