dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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