i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
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I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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