he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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