Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
