man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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