im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
