i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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