Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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