All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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