is your mom at the bar?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
