I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
