he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
