sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
