What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
