i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
