I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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