forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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