i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
