The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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