I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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