the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
