Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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