i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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