I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
