I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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