The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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