My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
