I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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