you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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