Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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