party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
