This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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