dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
