I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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