i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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