No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
