Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
