I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
