How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
